t h e a s s o s c i a t i o n o f s e m i s e r i o u s s e r i a l s u r r e a l i s t s
 | Volume One, Number One January 1998(Visitors will be counted-- by Lennie, the attack mouse.) | |
| &Now in the News...
Royal Mining Operation Exposed! | |
 | Members of parliament and the public were shocked yesterday to discover this new evidence of a private Royal mining operation. "As if she didn't have enough emeralds already!" protested one man, on hearing the news. Others oppined that she was "Just as entitled to go digging as you or I." These aside, there has been serious debate over this breach of Royal protocol. "There is nothing as patently absurd as convention," ranted one witness to the incident, "An awkward pause here. A stifled laugh there. No one really knows what's going on anyway, and some of the brighter ones among us would like to know who came up with all the rules of conduct, anyway. Where would the world be today if all those that changed history did things the way they were told? What if no one ever said, there is something to be done, and I must do it, convention or no? Oh, I suppose we would have sailed far. At least until the boats dropped off the edge of the world, anyway." A probe is planned to investigate the matter more deeply. |
| First Smurf Born into Captivity! Species was on Endangered list, experts say | |
| Ever wonder what happened to the Smurfs? Theories abound, but we have just confirmed the first Smurf born into captivity by the San Diego Zoo. Our live video feed here shows the happy little fellow dancing around. The naming of the baby is as of yet uncertain, due to scandal and a pending paternity suit over said Smurf. "They had to reproduce or die out completely," said one inside source, "I mean, think about it-- ten million male smurfs, and just one female. It's obvious that pressure on Smurfette must have been very high." Smurfette could not be reached for comment. |  |
Speaking of babies dancing around, the now standard Internet Dancing Baby is reaching new heights in the popular media. It seems that "Mr. Huggie" has appeared on Fox's Ally McBeal and plans to return to her dreams sometime soon. Somewhat less known is the WNDU Weather Forecast for Friday, January 15, 1998. The midweek forecast predicted rain on Wednesday, snow on Thursday, and dancing babies on Friday. I'm serious. And they said it on TV, too, so it must be true, right? | |
| Ancient Document Discovered! Translation possibilities to surpass Rosetta Stone discovery, claims scientist | |
| An ancient scroll was unearthed three weeks ago by scientists who were cleaning their grandmother's attic in Cedar Falls, Iowa. "It's the last place I would have thought to look, but there it was. We'd been working our whole lives to make a discovery like this." The document, shown here, contains a translation of a singular phrase into approximately 35 different dialects and languages. "The translation possibilities are staggering," said the amazed scientist, "The Rosetta Stone only had three languages, and look at what they did with that." Philosophers are pondering the document as evidence of a universal belief in a deity, as well as a universal seven-day week. The age of the document has not yet been determined, but "If it's anywhere near as old as some of the other stuff we found in the attic, we've got ourselves a find." The researchers will continue in hopes of finding more scrolls. |
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| &Now the Quote of the Week...
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 | "Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899 |
| We are pleased to announce that no animals were harmed in the making of this website. All testing was done on humans. |  |